Posts tagged ‘culture’

But I’m really a Cat Person

I’ve had a cat residing with me for approximately three years. I love my cat. We sometimes resemble each other…depending on the week. I don’t know if her overall independent neediness rubs off on me, or if she picks up on my laziness and follows suit…or possibly it is vice versa. Either way, in the past three years I have learned that I am a true cat person. There was a reason my favorite DC character was always Catwoman. I don’t know why I ever doubted this about myself. I was clearly supposed to be a cat.

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I said if I ever had a house I would have a dog. I am not sure why I thought this was my story, although I do like dogs. I thought I wanted a big dog, a retriever maybe. “Dogs are loyal. Dogs have personality. ”

They are and they do…Boy do they ever.

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photcred: elwood023 (instagram)

I have a great friend who is a dog person. She also lives right across the hall from me. She recently brought into our lives a large husky baby. This white ton of fur is only a little over a year old. He loves to moan and talk and run. I opted to help my dear girl with her dog needs. Which means that most of the time I’m sitting and watching her deal. I might play with a chew toy with Hendrix, but I’m not like …running him in the park. When he jumps on me I’m not helping her “teach him discipline”. I’m not assisting with the teaching of tricks (why?). I hold  the leash once while we walk him and train my core muscles while keeping him from jerking my life around.

Friend: “You have to talk it out of him, otherwise he is never gonna poop…omg are you listening, are you like in your own world??”

Me “WHAT??”

Friend “You have to talk to him …like I do”

Me “Omg are you serious?? I exclaim. Then, after watching the dog smell every leaf of grass for signs of ” other puppy” bathrooms, I began to imitate all dog owners I know: “HENDRIX! ARE YOU GONNA POOP?? DO YOU NEED TO POOP! COME ON BOY LETS POOP!!” I turn back to her with my resting bitch face..”how was that?”

I mean really? We don’t have to coach him to pee. I don’t get it.

I do love Hendrix. I don’t like it when he wants to lick lotion off my legs, but he is good as a pillow. He gives good full body hugs…whether we  think we want them or not. He is soft and as big as he is he CAN prance like a deer when he wants. I like he talks in his dog voice with different inflections. It’s quite interesting. He loves me, I’ve named myself his crazy aunt.

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photocred: Elwood023 (Instagram)

 

I dont like it when he begs for food every single time it is in our hands, as if he has been banished to a foreign country where they hunt dogs. I’m supposed to discourage him from doing this in the same way I am supposed to encourage him to poo. But I don’t. I just put on my grumpy cat face and ignore him. I don’t like to try to make him not jump and scratch on us. I thought that it was because I empathized with Hendrix and the fact that he doesn’t understand but now I think it is because maybe in the back of my cat brain I just assume he should know and if he doesn’t know then my nonchalance about the issue will make him figure this out. When I ignore the cat she’ll go away ( unless there is someone new she is curious about or she has NOT YET had her food. If she has NOT eaten then she will get vengeful, which is understandable and so this is something we have in common 😎)

“You have to help me with this, he has got to stop doing that! He wont learn unless you tell him no, smack him on the nose. Be more aggressive!!!”       The only time I have laid hands on the dog is that one time when I was making an important phone call (to a man no less) and Hendrix wouldn’t stop howling and jumping on me. I slapped the ever loving moan out of him and immediately he silenced himself.

Me: “Yeah here is my territory border, dude… hissssscratchh.”

The reality of my cat persondom (as opposed to dog life )struck me this morning before eight o clock. I’m a bartender and so naturally nocturnal (another similarity) I was awoken to my dear friend knocking at my door. I contemplated pretending to be gone but she knows me too well. So at her second plea, I opened the door. In my sweat shorts and a Mickey shirt from Old Navy, with no under clothes on, hair awry and sleep in my eyes. Her big blue pleading eyes that could only otherwise be on a small orphan child holding my attention, her hands clasping Hendrix’ leash as he strained forward trying to get to my escaping cat. “Can you please take him for his morning walk? I have to get to work or I’m gonna be late”

I have to focus. Nope not a dream . “Ok sure, just give me a min-”

“Thank you, I’m sorry..” handing me the leash..

“lemme get dressed”

“No you have to take him now, he is gonna do it in the floor if you don’t! you look cute! You are ok, just please”

“Then let me get my shoes!”

She hands me the dog..

“I cant hold the dog in the apartment, he is going after the cat-just hold him one more second”

One minute later she is in her car on her way and I am outside in the morningness walking the dog who pees rivers as soon he steps out the door. Right on the pavilion post out front. Then he walked three steps and did it again. Then he did his ritual marking. ( what’s the real difference?) I knew he had to do number two so…I had to prance down the sidewalk for ten minutes waiting on this to happen. Yes…I finally “talked to him”
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photcred: Danielle Bethune (me)

After loud morning negotiations he finally gave up the shit, which smelled to high heaven and was the same color as the pine needles under a tree that is planted across the sidewalk in front of the Lutheran Church. The three piles he walked out of himself was under a tree a quarter of a mile from our building. I looked at the mess…then at the poo bag tied to his collar. “Oh I ain’t picking that up” I thought and proceeded back to apartment. ( picture of Hendrix prancing after his relief). Then I realized that this was right in front of the church and this is Easter week.

“Sigh”… I can’t let little kids walk in crap that I knew was there. I went back and filled the little bag with pine needled crap and chucked it in the garbage can.  Hendrix was happy and I got him back to his food bowl safe. I thought to myself that maybe I should rotate this morning duty with my friend. It is probably good for me. Nice oxygen to the brain. I’m ready for the day. I mean it’s kind of human bonding thing.

This is dog owner in the city life. Going outside in near nakedness without shame, screaming at your dog to poop, and feeling completely balanced in life because every other dog owner is doing and thinking the same. I know they do because I’ve sat outside at night with my wine and smokes watching and judging them.

Then I went back to my apartment, put on a pot of coffee and snuggled back down and took a small nap…just as my cat was doing.
Because that is how we roll.

photocred (me)

Buzzfeed and Their Little Privileges

Today I read a four day old article that was complete shallow bullshit. Actually the real shit is should be compared to is chickenshit, since chicken shitting is for cowards who amplify everyone else’s downfalls to make their own selves look grand. Go ask a big cisgendered male military veteran about chicken shit and the kind of cowards who are guilty of it.

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Which brings me to the chickenshitter at hand. It is cowardly to write an exhaustive cultural commentary on the supposed insulting oppression of Tom Hank’s whiteness and post it in the millennial version of huffpost; which is the cesspool of narcissism gone to hell and resurrected. Especially when once again the one holding the bullhorn is a WHITE female, who must have like some aggravation towards her own dad that she is taking out on Mr. Hanks. Yes, I’m the other side of the coin..there are many things I could be writing about. Things like Syria, Russia, impending apocalypse. The ever growing mountain of crimes and dead bodies associated with the Clinton family and how the Bush family hates Donald Trump and no one seems to be making that connection. I could be writing about the large gathering of Native Americans that the media didn’t cover, who collectively forgave this nation and how this is a spiritual awakening and  we could really be making true progress in interracial relations. I could be writing about how I only just discovered that the story about Trump making fun of a disabled reporter was a complete fabrication, and how I felt “took” and made a fool of by the media.

But I’m not. I’m writing about my disgust for the kind of writers who write ten page blogs about “white dadness” and supposed “white privilege”. Call me triggered.

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I sent the article to a liberal friend who was also shocked. And angered. He defended Hanks “Tom Hanks is one of the most progressive people in the busniess, Buzzfeed will hurt for writing this”.
No.No, actually. No they wont. Even though the majority of comments on the article are confused and wondering what the point of the author was. Even though they are defensive for the their love of the beloved “dad” of actors. Buzzfeed wont suffer or take heat for their stupidity. Just like huffpost has never suffered for their stupidity and hypocrisy. Because this is what we have now. These are the “legit” arguments we are up against. Constantly. You see them in comment wars on youtube and sighing eye rolling offensive arguments against the slightest joke. It is the reason we have documentaries like “Can We Take A Joke” and institutions like FIRE. We are trying to preserve what little bit of free thought is left. I hear it every time I hear the kids at the table next to me in Starbucks talking in puffs of impassioned nothingness. I see it’s result and the uphill fight it causes  when a progressive lesbian professors ask me if I can explain to them the term “cisgender” because they heard their students using it and as educators they think it is the stupidest word to ever pollute the English language. I hear it when I hear actual arguments against the nineties television series “Friends” for its lack of diversity and unrealistic representation of New York City …since all the main characters were white. Never mind the show is called “Friends” and is based on five people and not entire college dorm or the entire city of New York. Never mind it was one of the first shows to feature lesbian relationships on prime time. Never mind that Ross was involved in more than one interracial relationship. Even the racially diverse shows of the past are accused of only being made “for white people”(Cosby /Different World). If millennials had their way all books would be banned and all past television shows and possibly music (except for Pink Floyd and Zepplin) would be trashed. We would all have to sign forms acknowledging our oppressive whiteness just to express any and every view. It never ends. We are guilty when we try to atone for our sins and we are guilty when we don’t. Guilty when we bathe in our guilt and guilty when we don’t. Tom Hanks is white. And a legend. Damn him and the fellow white people who went to watch his movies. AH-And the DADNESS of him. Screw all white dads and those of us who loved our white dads. It just goes on and on.

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These are the actual cultural issues that today’s cultural/social/political studies majors worry about. Seriously. And there is no safe room for any of us from the ilk. Liberals of old are not safe. The progressives born of the sixties and inspiring generations till the nineties are just as disrespected and spat upon as any middle aged conservative. Believe me, I have a very diverse group of friends or associations. When I say diverse I mean of various cultures and ethnic backgrounds. I mean of various age groups. I mean of differing sexual orientation. The gay republican, the libertarian female, the black Trump supporter, and the classically liberal non voting male who just wants everyone to think critically and objectively, will all get the same vile vitriol of speeches that has no life experience to back it up. Because everyone with an opinion that is different ( diverse) is “an outlier” and is shunned or ignored and made not to exist, while everyone else is up for scrutiny and long posts about privilege and comfort. That kind of post comes from the exact same “safe and privileged” place …yeah it’s called chickenshit.

The most liberal and progressive and politically outspoken man in Hollywood is guilty of nothing more than being a white man, and according to the little child of privilege that wrote the piece, he is only famous because he makes white people comfortable. Wow.

 

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Millennials. Can we just send them on a permanent field trip to Mosul? Or Venezuela? See what kind of naval lint they can find to get on about there, when all their own privileges of speech and dedication mean absolutely nothing.

 

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