There are many screwy ways that I have, which I would rather not blog about. Since this one is a direct hereditary gift from my mother…I shall proceed with glee. I remember when my mother was thirty and I was probably nine and could tell her where she left her keys, her checkbook, and how to get to Grandma’s house…or back home if she had taken a wrong turn. That was before I hit my teens and lost good sense, and before I hit adulthood and had to remember more important things.

     I had a test today at the personnel board of Jefferson County. Jefferson County, like most counties work on a merit system. My friend took a test last year, and scored really high but is still waiting on a call back for that job. I knew this, but since I have applied everywhere from here to Florida and back up to Nashville, and this is the only “go” I have had, I was going to take the test. Was going to…

  I hate driving in Birmingham. I hate hate hate it. Friends in Atlanta would probably laugh that I have problems driving within a mile outside of south side…or 280 for that matter. Even with a GPS, I have difficulty navigating the north side of Birmingham. I drove from Birmingham to the upper most corner of Arkansas without a proper car tag, easier than I drive on the north side of Birmingham. Today was the worst, because I thought since my Verizon account is on suspension that I did not have my WAZE app. Being the industrious woman that I think I am, I googled directions and wrote them down, only nine miles from where I live, if you take the express way. It is before rush hour-no biggie. I took out my compass and made sure I was going east and the first three turns were easy to find. Then I hit the express way north and all the powers of hell took my directional sense, as well as my nerves in trying to read my scribbled directions and drive at the same time. Why am I headed toward Tuscaloosa and how am I missing Elton B. Stephans? NO ONE can miss Elton B. Stephans. I found an exit, and realized I was somewhere called “McCoy”. Where the hell is McCoy? I JUST left my apartment…this is what I get for getting up early and trying to make progress. 

  No problem, I still have fifteen minutes to show up and maybe it is early enough that I will find parking. I cant give up-I’ll never progress from being a bartender to having some other skill that people want to hire, if I don’t put forth the effort…then I got behind a Mack truck who is sitting at a red light, waiting for the green turn arrow. The light turned twice before he got his arrow..then the hunger hit me. I realized I was heading for a test at Jefferson County…the slowest at everything possible. I will be there for at least two hours and have not eaten. That is not a good combination. What was I thinking? I’m not  a breakfast person, but with adrenaline for a test running through my system…yeah no. I went in to the Kangaroo to get a cup of coffee and my directional bearings…I parked by a Chevy Silverado…they are everywhere…”I left my heart in Arkansas” I thought, now I’m cursed and I’m never getting out of this town. As if a government job would help me do that anyway. I should have stayed there, if nothing else they are hiring in Arkansas…I even hear the members of the country club talking about Arkansas. Every job site I get on has at least twenty openings for some business in Arkansas. My brothers’ fiance just got back from a trip to Fayettville, Arkansas. Seriously… 

     I left the Kangaroo, certain that I could just follow the highway back in the direction I came-I JUST left home for god sake. Yeah..that would be easy…for most people. Montgomery exit, Gadsen exit…and Tuscaloosa? AGAIN? Somehow I have absolutely no idea where I am-yet I do. I can SEE downtown, I just do not remember what exit is closer to my home. I have taken wrong exits and ended up by the train tracks…I dont have enough gas to get lost…by…the…train tracks. Somehow I end up going towards somewhere called “Tarrant”. Ok, seriously. I’m not making it to my government job-merit system test thing. Maybe it was a self fulfilling prophecy and I didn’t want to anyway. “If you get in here…you …will ..never…leave Jefferson County and their three hundred dollar car tags with five mile long lines”. 

  I pulled into a creepy looking McDonalds with the tiniest parking lot ever. I cut the engine and had not the foggiest idea how to get back home. I looked at my phone…hmmm maybe…? I hit the waze app and …OMG…even though I cannot make a call nor reply to any text, my GPS works. Would have been nice to know this at the very start of the morning. Only in desperation did I think to TRY. In about five minutes I was home, right at the real morning work traffic started and it was too late to make it to the test. 

  So now I have six hours to kill until the shift I picked up tonight, to make up for the one I gave up this morning. Maybe no one at work will even ask how the test went.